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Diary of chanting aspirant

Post Author: Bhakta Igor    Date: 2008-01-18 17:52:05
Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna

I decided to start daily writing of about my insignificant efforts to chant Holy Names of Nityananda, Gauranga and Hare Krsna Maha Mantra in order to purify myself and glorify this sublime and highest process of devotional service ?Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna Naam Yoga, in hope that this will give me some inspiration to increase quantity and quality of chanting. I am hoping that any of you, my well-wishers, friends and readers of this diary will find some satisfaction and help me in this spiritual attempt to satisfy my spiritual master, His Holiness Srilla Bhaktiratna Sadhu Swami Gaurangapada, and that this writing will also inspire you to chant Nityananda Gauranga and Hare Krsna.

I am considering myself completely offensive and fallen, and mercy of my Gurudeva is only reason why I am still trying to make some progress. Procrastination and hesitation are my worst enemies and yesterday I realized that it is possible to overcome any problem/doubt only with sincere effort to chant Holy Names. Without sincere chanting I am feeling to be constantly on dry mental platform where dark clouds of speculations and torments of false identifications rules. Only solution for all our problems is chanting of Nityananda, Gauranga and Hare Krsna Maha Mantra.

Person may have some theoretical knowledge about karma, vedic scriptures etc. but realm of bhakti is only attainable if we dive deep into Naam. Naam is only path and only goal. Everything is within Naam and our greatest happiness and good fortune is that we got this rarest opportunity to chant Holy Names. We are really fortunate! Sometimes we may think, at least I am such case, that everything else is more important than chanting. Recently I was deeply overburden with so many unsolved problems ?Oh you must work to maintain family and your salary is miserable, try to find better job, you are living in rented apartment, no money to pay bills, how to earn for your own house, you have health problems or problems with relatives etc. It is never ending story. We become so crazy that we are thinking that such madness is normal! What we are trying to do? We are trying to solve individual problems but ?surprise, there is always new one! So, if we want really to help ourselves, we must find solution for all our problems. What are we doing here? Where we actually belong? How to go there?

Such observations inspired me to approach to Naam Bhajan with some sincerity. Yes, mind is crazy, yes there are thousands unsolved problems, yes I do not have any quality, yes I may not be successful, yes it may take zillions of lives, but is there any other solution? Answer is no!

Ceto darpana marjanam bhava-mahadavagni nirvapanam

That is my position, and actually position of every conditioned soul ?we are in the middle of blazing fire ?mahadavagni ?we are burning and suffering in this cage. And my concesness is so dull that I do not actually understand how urgent this situation is! Ceto darpana marjanam, this process of chanting is so powerful that it will clear all dirt from our mind and then we will be able to see our image. I am thinking ?Oh I am this and that, such and such, but real self is hidden deep under tons of false identifications. Naam is only solution to this critical problem.

Presently I am chanting 16-16-16 rounds of Nityananda, Gauranga and Hare Krsna Maha Mantra. I had heard that Srila Prabhupada once said that he was practice, exercise, worked on his chanting for more then 30 years. That is great example. Chanting is gradual process and every person must understand that key word is practice. It was not clear to me for long time. Now I can understand a little ?chanting requires practice and dedication. Mercy is always here, but we need to make effort and practice our chanting. Success is achieved by many small steps. Every round is one small step toward our real happiness and our real position.

Post Author: Bhakta Igor    Date: 2008-01-19 13:24:17
January 19.2007.

Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna
All glories to Swami Gaurangapada!
All glories to Srilla Prabhupada!

Chanting requires determination that whatever is happening we will somehow or other chant and finish our rounds. There are many obstacles, external or internal, but if person simply continue and chant everything will become auspicious. Sometimes I feel greatly inspire to chant and remembrance of Lord and His lilas is automatically there, but sometimes I am feeling tired, mind is revolting, concentration is weak, and then it is needful to make extra step, to push toward, to break inertia and dullness and surrender to Naam. And if we dedicate fully to this, Naam will give us strength and taste, and will energize us ?nija sarva saktis ?all energies are within Naam.

Today, while I was chanting Gaura Naam, just for moment within my mind I saw beautiful sad-bhuja form of Lord Gauranga. Just for few seconds I saw Sarvabhauma Bhatacarya who was offering dandavat before lotus feet of Lord Gauranga Mahaprabhu who was standing in sad-bhuja form. That was just a moment, but I felt so happy and jubilant by seeing this. That was just a drop of mercy, just a drop of nectar and Naam Prabhu mercifully gave me this few second of realization just to inspire me to chant more.

Gaura Naam is cintamani Naam. Gaura Naam is non-different from Lord Gauranga Mahaprabhu.Within Gaura Naam we can find all other Names and Forms of Lord, just like Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu manifested His Sad-bhuja form in Gaura lila. At the same moment only few devotes like Sarvabhauma Bhatacharya got this rarest opportunity to see and understand such hidden position of Lord Gauranga. That was His mercy. Similar, we are most fortunate because we got this rarest opportunity to chant Gaura Naam and on that way personally associate with Supreme Lord. Jei Gauranga nama loi tara hoi prema doy.

dhana mora nityananda
radha-krsna sri carana
Sei mora abharana

Post Author: Swami Gaurangapada    Date: 2008-01-19 14:47:29
Nityaananda! Gauraanga! Hare Krishna! Thank you for sharing. Gaura Naama easily imparts us with glimpses of the Lord...gauranga bhajana sarala ati, sahaja tahara phala vitati...Lord Shiva states to Parvati devi in Navadvipa Dhaama Mahatmya that Gauraanga Bhajana by chanting Gaura Naama is very easy and sublime and it gives results and fruits without much effort.

Daaso'smi, Swami Gaurangapada.

Post Author: Bhakta Igor    Date: 2008-01-19 15:47:27
Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna
Thank you, dear Gurudeva for your comment. Yes, that is perfect word - glimp. Just a moment, just a drop. That moment can not be properly described with mundane words, and it is not result of our effords but it is manifestation of causeless mercy.

atah sri-krsna-namadi
na bhaved grahyam indriyaih
sevonmukhe hi jivadau
svayam eva sphuraty adah
C.C. Madhya-lila 17.136

"'Therefore material senses cannot appreciate Krsna’s holy name, form, qualities and pastimes. When a conditioned soul is awakened to Krsna consciousness and renders service by using his tongue to chant the Lord's holy name and taste the remnants of the Lord's food, the tongue is purified, and one gradually comes to understand who Krsna really is.'

Then sadhaka only want to chant more and dive into Naam. Everything else looks useless and empty. Now I am sitting at my working desk thinking that I am here simply vasting my time. hari hari biphale janama gonainu

Post Author: Bhakta Igor    Date: 2008-01-20 17:35:32
January 20.2007.

It is so nice to chant in the early morning. Mind is calm, whole atmosphere is very auspicious and chanting is like nectar. Unfortunately for average working and busy grhastha (grhamedhi) on west it is very hard to manage to rise up early everyday because so called obligations and duties requires from person to go to sleep after midnight. Simple living high thinking. How necessary this is for devotee. I am living complicated , stressful life within complicated society and to dedicate to Naam person needs just opposite. Simple things are wonderful. This society needs simplicity.

I have habit to mentally chant and pray before Tota-Gopinatha Deity and I am feeling that there is real peace and home. Many times while my mind is flickering and not calm I am visualizing to chant before Lord or that I am sitting on the shores of Yamuna/Puri ocean where my hearth belongs. I am praying to my Lord to bless me so that in next life I may be born like insignificant insect in Tota Gopinatha's temple

gopinath, ami ki dose dosi
asura sakala, pailo carana,
vinoda thakilo bosi'

Gopinatha, I am so sinful that although all the demons attained Your lotus
feet, Bhaktivinoda has remained in worldly existence.

Post Author: Bhakta Igor    Date: 2008-01-22 09:06:18
January 22.2008.

There is interesting definition of word aspirant - a seeker after spiritual knowledge, one who aspires to develop love for God. We all are seekers for Krsna, spiritual travelers. But road is dark and we are walking on narrow path. Only light is Naam.

Today I realized that Naam Bhajan is not easy. It is not possible artificially to imitate advanced stages of Naam Bhajan. We may have desire; we should strive to chant constantly, and some day we will be successful in our endeavors.

Presently my chanting, enthusiasm and concentration is flickering, one day I am feeling completely absorb in sadhana and Naam, other day I am overwhelm with material concesness, desires and struggles. It is necessary to attain position of stability in devotional practice, and maybe it is life long task for me.

Sometimes Naam is giving me small drops of nectar just to show me that i should fight more and chant more. Sometimes I am feeling that I can really do it, sometimes I am feeling helpless.

gopinath, sakali tomara maya
nahi mama bala, jnana sunirmala,
swadhina nahe e kaya

This is so deep verse. Sakali tomara maya. Everywhere around me there is your illusory energy, O lord! And I have no strength, no knowledge, nothing. And I am far from being free from earthly temptations. That is my position.

Where is solution and relief?

harer nama harer nama harer nama iva kevalam
kalau nasty eva nasty eva nasty eva gatir anyatha

Naam is only solution.

Post Author: Bhakta Igor    Date: 2008-01-23 11:31:23
Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna

Well, today my chanting was extremely poor. Mind is sometimes so strong in crazy desire not to chant, not to listen, to do whatever else is possible. Krsna said in Bhagavad gita man-mana bhavo that we must absorb our mind and surrender to Him. That is not easy task.
I am rebel, charlatan and jiva that want to imitate Supreme Lord. Illusion that I can be Enjoyer or Controller are deeply within my hearth and mind is struggling so hard to keep me under maya's control. Bhaja hurey mana, sri nanda nandana, awake o mind, and worship son of Nanda Maharaja, only then you will attain happiness and become fearless.
Chanting is process. I will have many ups and downs. Slow and steady. This life may end any moment or I may live for 50 years more. It doesn't matter. While I am on this chanting path I am safe while torments and storms are on any other place.

I have mixed devotion. Karma misra, jnjana misra and who knows how many other impurities within hearth. Is there any quality? Only hope and faith in Nityananda and Gauranga Naam. I do not have strong faith in chanting Hare Krsna Maha Mantra alone, because I am offender and I would be crushed down by severe reactions. I am not able to overcome 10 offences in chanting Hare Krsna. I am chanting Hare Krsna for more then 15 years and I can say that real advancement in chanting only Hare Krsna requires completely surrender, chanting lakh of Names, living on holy place, not associate with materialistic persons. So many things if person is serious about chanting. If not, how will sadhaka overcome Naam aparadhas. Practically speaking that is not possible. That is my realization.

Only very rare souls may live in material world and chant pure Hari Naam, but for conditioned and fallen soul like me, it is not possible. I would like to be opposite, but that is reality. So what to do? My only hope is chanting of Nitaai and Gaura Naam. Nothing else. That is only that I can do. I can not follow arcane, pancaratrika system, detailed rules, tapasya etc. So fallen position. Lower then sudra and candala. Crazy mind, crazy senses, no knowledge or proper behavior. Nothing. Now I know why Nitaai and Gaura Naam manifested Themselves in this world. To save most fallen of fallen.

Post Author: Bhakta Matus    Date: 2008-01-23 19:42:48
Dear Igor,
Nityananda! Gauranga! Hare Krishna! Please accept my humble obeisances.

Thank You for Your diary. It is a very valuable contribution for us, daily practitiners of Naam Bhakti Yoga.

i very much share Your latest post with You:

My only hope is chanting of Nitaai and Gaura Naam. Nothing else. That is only that I can do. I can not follow arcane, pancaratrika system, detailed rules, tapasya etc. So fallen position. Lower then sudra and candala. Crazy mind, crazy senses, no knowledge or proper behavior. Nothing. Now I know why Nitaai and Gaura Naam manifested Themselves in this world. To save most fallen of fallen.

i feel completely same and that forces me to more and more appreciate the great treasure of Nityananda Gauranga Naam. Actually my whole so-called sadhana, perserverance and any strength i gather to continue with Naam Bhakti Yoga is based upon one single verse, namely:

caitanya-nityaanande naahi esaba vichaara
naama laite prema dena, vahe ashrudhaara

"But if one only chants, with some slight faith, the holy names of Lord Caitanya and Nityaananda, very quickly he is cleansed of all offenses. Thus as soon as he chants the Hare Kṛṣṇa mahaa-mantra, he feels the ecstasy of love for God."

If this verse wasn't there, i don't know how i would walk on the path of Bhakti Yoga, the kind of aparadhi and sinner i am. It is so much life giving. i get hope against hope, that as long as i continue to daily and with my best intention chanting the Holy Names of Nityaananda and Gauraanga, Their Lordships will definitely cast Their side-long glace upon me sooner or later, irrespective of how fallen and unqualified i am. Yes, Lord Nityaananda is definitely the saviour of the most degraded souls and as long as one chants His Holy Name and the Name of His Lord Gauranga, He will surely deliver that soul. He has shown it already in the case of Jagai and Madhai, in which category i also belong. So please Nitaai! Underpin Your Glories as the Deliverer of the most fallen and deliver me!

doya koro more nitai, doya koro more
agatira gati nitai sadhu loke bole

"O my Nitai, please shower your mercy on me. All sadhus say, "You are so merciful, You give the right destination to the fallen souls."

You and Your Holy Name is my only hope and ground, on which i am able to stand and walk in order to do Your Bhakti. You are the ultimate shelter for this lost and forlorn soul.

Your lost and fallen servant,

Post Author: Bhakta Igor    Date: 2008-01-24 08:57:08
Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna

Yes, you are completely right. Thank you so much for sharing dear Matus. This is true - I am not able to chant Hari Naam and that only link to Naam Prabhu, is Nitaai and Gaura Naam. We are in that position, as you said that we are fully depending upon sweet mercy of Lord Nityananda.

O Lord,
You gave sublime medicine
In form of Hari Naam

Jaggai and Madhai
Attained highest devotion
Simply by taking this cure

But, alas,
I am so sinful and fallen
That sweetness of Your Name
Looks bitter for me

How You will cure
Burning fewer of aparadhas
In my stone hearth?

This fallen servant
Is shouting
O Nitai! O Gaura!
Your Own Names are the only hope.

Post Author: Swami Gaurangapada    Date: 2008-01-25 15:47:45
Nityaananda! Gauraanga! Hare Krishna! Thank you so much Igor for this spontaneous poem. :) It would be great if you can post a separate topic in your forum about each of your writings and realizations instead of all in one topic so further discussion on each of your writings could be continued in one place. Also the new titles of each topic would encourage more readers.

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