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Title: Its July Already!
User: Neil LA Date: 2007-07-06 19:09:59
Nityananda! Gauranga! Hare Krishna!
All Glories to Swami Gaurangapada!
All Glories to the Guru Parampara!
All Glories to the Vaishnavas!
I can't believe that it is already July. Where has the time flown? Its been over a month since I moved to Los Angeles.
I got a good job that has been going well and I am happy with.
My spiritual life is in a bit of a shambles...
I keep fluctuating between practices and spiritual paths. I really wish I could just stick with one and be firm and a dedicated devotee.
I haven't been chanting or doing other type of meditation much at all. I just don't feel very connected with God, but I find that even when I am chanting or doing any other practice, I don't feel very connected either. I wonder what it really is that I am looking for? I guess a feeling of being loved and accepted and a sence of belonging. My therapist says that I need to learn to love and accept myself, and until I do that, no matter how many times I change the externals (in terms of practice or what have you) I will always feel out of place and out of sorts.
Thats all very well to say, but I find it difficult to love myself. It is so easy to focus on what I perceive my faults to be. Especially when I try to chant or follow any other spiritual discipline, I feel that I set my expectations too high and then always tell myself I'm a failure when I don't live up to my expectations...
I'm at a point that I'm not sure what I believe in anymore. I very much want to move out of the realm of accepting things on faith and move more into the realm of experiencing God's love.
I know on an intellectual level that everything is an expression of love and that my entire life is a gift given to me, and I know that I have many people who love me and care for me. I know and trust that God loves me more than I can know or imagine...but I really want to feel it in the depths of my being.
I'm not sure what that would look or feel like. I guess that I want to feel peace and love in my heart and I want comfort and ease. I'm sure this desire is selfish.
Anyway...things aren't really as bad as I may make them out to be.
Even though I might be going through a period of not actively chanting right now, I wanted to stay in touch with Swami Gaurangapada and my family in Gauranga Krishna Consciousness. You all are often in my thoughts.