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Title: I can only sit and drown in my own tears
User: JagannathaGaurangadasa Date: 2007-01-05 13:05:51
Today I have truly seen the covering potencies of the illusory energy. As I drift farther out into the country, I notice just how little spiritual consciousness the people have. Illusion, delusion and designations seem to be common.
Don't they want to inquire into the secrets of life? Don't they understand
the rarity of this human form of life? Could they understand if they were told?
They say there is only one life. No one wants to face the fact that they will have to suffer dearly for their misuse of independence. I know they can feel the powerful force of the illusory energy, it has got them in such a deep stranglehold, but still they won't surrender. They still think that by their own efforts they can become victorious. The life force is being weakened and that all powerful death is creeping closer, getting into position for that one final vicious attack on us?
I hope that I can become freed of all my misconceptions and designations and eventually become an eternal servant of the Vaishnavas. Do I deserve such good fortune? No, the Lord will have to show special mercy on a fallen wretched fool such as myself if I am to be delivered. He has already taken me to his pure devotee but why do I resist this good mercy? Don't I understand the futility of illusory enjoyment? Don't I understand the consequences of trying to Lord it over the material nature? Can I not see the 6 enemies headed by lust and anger close by, waiting for an opportunity to devour me once again? Have I not been beaten up enough being thrown against the rocks of this illusory ocean? I am lying in a pool of my own blood yet still I think I am in a safe position, so I do not worry.
Will I ever find eternal residence in Navadvipa and Vrndavan and roll in the dust of the dhama? When will I smear on my head the particles from the feet of the Vaishnavas and roll on the ground in bliss, forgetting everything about this illusory world and its inhabitants? Will I ever cry in ecstasy seeing the mercy of Lord Nityananda and Lord Gauranga upon the fallen souls? When will this be my eternal state? I pray at the lotus feet of the Vaishnavas that they may rescue me for i am unfit to attain this state by my own efforts.
I have come across many lost and hopeless souls in my wanderings and I have wanted to give them my hand, to reach out to them but I knew that I am not strong enough to rescue them from their suffering state. I am too weak and I would just end up sinking deeper with them. I have seen such sadness and despair throughout my millions of lives and it makes me cry deeply within. I can only sit and watch as they writhe in despair. I am in no position to help and this is the worst feeling of all, such is the deplorable condition of an eternally conditioned soul. I can only sit and drown in my own tears for I know deep down that only a Vaishnava can eternally benefit a fallen soul.
Jagannatha Gauranga dasa
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