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Title: My Radhastami 2006
User: Nitaipada_Maharaja Date: 2007-01-05 13:05:51
Nityananda! Gauranga! Hare Krishna! All glories to Shrila Bhaktivinoda, Shrila Prabhupada, my most beloved Shrila Gaurangapada and all Vaishnavas. Please accept my humble obeisances and blessings. I pray that this meets you well and in the service/mercy of Shri Guru and Shri Gauranga.
I have been hesitant in my writings, especially since the Holy Day of Radhastami. I had an incident so remarkable, so real, so overwhelming that it defies all imagination, yet leaves me in complete awe. I have attempted to rationalize this occurance, have dwelt deeply upon it, and yet, when I meditate upon it the hairs raise up all over this material body and joy beyond all explination floods this heart of stone.
Like Jamastami, I spent the day quietly reading from Shrila Prabhupada's books, specifically the KRSNA Book. While most devotees dive right in and read of the Lord's Rasa-Lilas, I have always been very hesitant. I have never been comfortable reading of the Lord's most intimate relationships. I am a neophyte. Shrila Prabhupada cautioned us not to dive to quickly into the Tenth Canto of the Bhagavatam, lest we loose our way and be filled with all manner of wrong notions. I have always been satisfied to remain simple, and allow those of much higher understandings delve into such deep topics. But read I did, and for the first time in my devotional life, I was completely immersed in the Lord's sweetest past times.
On the early evening of Radhastami, I had invited several devotee friends over to celebrate. We had a wonderful time singing kirtan and bhajans to Shrimati Radharani. Yoshodananda Mataji came, which is rare because she is advanced in age, but her pure love of Godhead wouldn't allow her to miss the association of the Lord's devotees and the celebration of Radhastami. I played the mrdanga as we sang the Holy Names of Nityananda and Gauranga followed by Hare Krishna. It was such a sweet kirtan, the air was thick with devotion, even I had rarely experienced such a beautiful sankirtan where everyone was completely immersed in the Lord's Holy Names with no other thought or desire other than Their pleasure.
We were singing sweetly the Hare Krishna Maha-Mantra when all my hair just stood straight up. I try to not to pay attention to this because it happens quiet often when I chant and I do not want to be destracted, but last night it would not stop. I sang to Shrimati Radharani, so beautiful Mataji made her in her new outfit, especially made for Radhastami. I was captured by Her eyes, never had "She" looked at me in such a manner. One the side wall I have Vishnu Das' painting of "the Divine Couple", and even there Shrimati Radharani's gaze was penetrating, yet filled with such love and mercy that one wanted to faint less they fall into those lotus pools. Then it happened.
I felt like a "door" in my chest opened up. The type with two doors that meet in the middle like one sees in Europe...French doors. Nothing would have stopped it even if I desired it. Everything I was, or even believed that I was was being drawn directly to Shrimati Radharani. For the first time in my life I truly desired that She have everything that I was, my whole being to make her permenent slave. I wanted to be swollowed up in those Divine eyes of love and mercy to the point where only She remained.
The kirtan was still going, and through all this, not even a complete recitation of the Maha-Mantra had been made. I had my eyes closed, then I saw Them. Shri Krishna, Shrimati Radharani, Shri Nityananda Prabhuji, Shri Gaura and Their associates, hundreds or thousands of them dancing to our kirtan! I stopped dead. I was so overcome that I could not play, such a joy flooded my being that nothing else existed, nothing in the three worlds existed except that very moment where I sang with all I was worth, the others sang for all they were worth for the Glory of Shri Shri Radha-Gopinatha and Shri Shri Nitai-Gaurahari.
Their Lordships and Their Associates danced in such purity, chanted with such love that our singing sounded like the voices of crows, so sweet was their devotion and so pure was their love. What makes me truly weep was that our beloved Shrila Prabhupada was there, smiling from the sidelines, he just noded to the beat, completely caught up in his adoration and meditation.
When we "wound" down, and started to prepare for prasadam, all I could do was dwell upon this wonderful "vision" that Their Lordships had in Their mercy showed to me. I had already rationalized this situation and didn't say anything because I truly felt like I had lost my mind. I offered prasadam, Shrila Prabhupada's murti having the biggest grin on his face that I've seen in a very long time, and Shri Nityananda Prabhu looking like I was starving Him as usual. But through it all I remained quiet and grave in my behavior. I didn't want 22 people thinking that I had lost my mind and was seeing things, especially since one of the devotees is a phych nurse.
All this changed when Mother Yashodananda approached me while we were washing dishes. She came up to me and said: "Maharaja ji, I saw Them too, I saw the Lord and His eternal associates dancing to "your" sankirtan!" She looked me straight in the eye, something she never does, and repeated herself. I felt that this was the Lord's confirmation to me that I had not lost it in the western sense, but had acutally had His personal darshan.
Still, I am very humbled, terribly humbled by all this. I am no one special, others that are here are much more advanced than I am. I do not put on aires, I don't even pretend to be a devotee of the Lord, only attempt to poorly set an example of His love and mercy to those that the Lord in His mercy brings to my door. But I cannot forget my moment with Shrimati Radharani, never have I seen such grace and purity as she moved without effort with Her Beloved. So captivating is Her beauty that an army of cupids would be easily defeated by Her single side-long glance. A million moons cannot compare to Her illumination, nor all the gold in the world compare to the beauty of her skin.
Now I understand what our most merciful Acharyas have written concerning their separation from Her. For years all this was simply words on a page, even though I never doubted their truth, its just that its a subject to high for me. Now I understand why Shri Gaura went into fits of depression due to His separation from Shri Krishna and Shrimati Radharani! I am such a poor man, I fear that I will spend the rest of this earthly existance dwelling upon this one moment in time, the time that I had Their personal darshan. I fear that it is going to be an eternity of pain and suffering, longing for just one more glance from those "Lotus Eyes", and feeling my heart so full of love, joy and exhuberation that no words in any spoken language could begin to explain. How does one using human language begin to explain to another, especially through the written word what this experience truly is? I have a "need" to put this down on paper, not for any self-gratification, nor for any selfish purpose, or to say that I have been privy to the Lord's darshan and other's haven't. That would never be my intentions. I could never do such a thing because I am incapable of offense. The Lord simply won't allow me to commit offense to the lotus feet of any living entity. But, how do I explain this to anyone, especially to my beloved Shrila Gaurangapada. Surely he will know the truth! He always does. If I were fabricating this, truly Shrila Gauragapada would be able to see through such a lie, and I would truly be worthy of his wrath!
My heart is so humbled right now that I cannot even begin to explain it. Even Mataji is reflective today. We are still caught up in Radhastami! I fasted today because of it, I cannot even bing myself to eat, seems like a violation somehow, even though Mataji prepared prasadam for Their Lordships. Here it is just after mid-night, and my mind will not settle, I'm still celebrating Radhastami in my heart.
Can't wait until the appearance day of Shri Radha-Kunda!
Your eternal servant;
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