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Title: My Weekend
User: neilsf Date: 2006-07-24 11:40:45
Nityananda! Gauranga! Hare Krishna!
I bow down again and again to the Lotus feet of my Lord and Master, Lord Nityananda and I bow down again and again to His representative in the world my Spiritual Master, Swami Gaurangapada!
I also offer pranams to all the disciples of the Lord and Guru.
I am sick and tired of myself. No matter what resolve I give myself to do something good I always do the exact opposite.
I feel like I am almost two people in one. On one hand, I really want to be a wise devotee. I want to chant 16 rounds a day, get up early in the morning and do all the right things. I want to be blessed with the Lord's love and feel the bliss of chanting His names. I want to serve the Lord and do what I can do to make Him happy. I want to enter into an initmate relationship with the Lord and really know him and love him.
On the other hand, I want joy and pleasure. I wonder what my motivation for chanting really is. I just want to experience bliss and happiness. I know that all the things in this world are temporary, so I want to give them up and serve the Lord and experience His bliss...but when an opportunity comes to me to experience the temporary pleasure of material things, I don't hesitate to do it.
I didn't do my chanting yesterday and I feel somewhat guilty about that, but I am really questioning what the point of spiritual practice is. I want to believe that the Lord provides lasting happiness and love, but I really don't feel it. I feel love and happiness from my friends, but it is so fleeting. That's why I've been attracted to the Lord from childhood because I know that He is eternal and that He is the realtionship that provides lasting happiness and love. But I'm just not feeling it. It seems that all the trouble and pain that I have to deal with are far greater than any happiness that I feel. I feel bad about feeling that way because I know that I really have a good life and that I should be thankful and happy...but is seems that every little thing that happens makes me upset and unhappy. I feel that I am always unhappy and nothing can make me feel otherwise.
I really want to believe that devotion to Lord Nityananda and Lord Gauranga can help me to be happy. I want to believe that. But I just don't understand what its going to take for me to feel better. I feel that I am a bad person, becasue I feel that I have such wonderful people in my life and that I should feel happier. But I just don't. I pray to the Lord to help me, and I feel that things just don't change and I stay the same.
I sometimes wonder what the point of continuing praying and chanting and doing any spiritual work is. It seems to me that if I do train myself to chant 16 rounds, that would be all very well, but it wouldn't change the fact that I have to deal with this corrupt world where every thing is a stuggle. I can pray that the Lord would accept me into His eternal abode for my next life, but that still doesn't change the fact of this life and there is no guarantee that the Lord will accept me. Its a fact that I do prefer the fleeting pleasures of this world, because even though they are fleeting, at least its something...
I wish I could be firm in my devotion. I wish that I wasn't so self centered. I wish that I could do the right thing. I wish that I could accept myself as I am. I want to believe that the Lord loves me, but how can I know that for sure?
Anyway I'm afraid that my blog entry is very self absorbed and not bringing benefit to others so I will stop here.
I will do my chanting today.
Please forgive me if this blog entry give offence to the devotees and the spiritual master. I just want to be honest about what is going on with me.
PS. Neil, I have edited this post as there are some personal things which are not appropriate to be posted on a public spiritual forum.
Please go to the original blog entry here and contribute your valuable comments...: http://www.gaurangapada.org/blogs/viewblog.php?entry=49