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Title: Trying to Keep Going

User: neilsf    Date: 2006-10-18 12:23:21


Nityananda! Gauranga! Hare Krishna!

All Glories to Swami Gaurangapada and all the Vaishnavas!


I'm afraid that I only post news on my blog when things are going badly. I wish that I had some wonderful realization that I could share with the sangha. Instead it feels that I must come across as pathetic excuse for a devotee.


Anyway...Its been over a week since I’ve been able to get myself to actually chant all the rounds that I’ve committed to. I can chant some of them, but when it comes to finishing them, I can always find something else I tell myself I’d rather do. I really want to make chanting and the entire process of Gauranga Krishna consciousness the top priority in my life, but it seems that once again sense gratification seems to be more important in the moment than finishing chanting.


I feel like I’m such a slave to my passions. I have no resistance when it comes to bad habits. I’ve been rather wobbly in my resolve in avoiding the wrong things. Of course my ideal is to be vegan, if not completely raw, but instead I’ve been eating pizza and other kinds of junk food. The problem is I just don’t feel like cooking when I get home from work. It’s a drag to just cook for takes so long and then there is all the clean-up...I hate to say it but at the time, I usually would rather just sit in front of the TV and do nothing. I’m so lazy when it comes to work of any kind. I tell myself that I don’t want to do it and would rather do something that I’d rather do...Except I don’t know what I’d rather do...It hasn’t been chanting recently. All I ever seem to want to do is either sleep, sit in front of the television or indulge in sense gratification.


I think its time that I start to seriously follow the four regulative principles. In the past, as soon as I started to follow the rules, it wouldn’t last. Something would tempt me to instant gratification and I would always choose that instead of something that might give me real happiness over time.


Well...I’m really fed up with it. I’ve spent most of the past week chasing after instant gratification and when something does happen, it really isn’t satisfying. In my heart, I truly believe that only Nityananda Balarama and Gauranga Krishna can give me complete happiness. But anything that takes any kind of work or struggle seems very unappealing to me...


I feel like I’m just waiting to get this life of misery in the material world over with so that I can go to the Spiritual Sky to be with Gauranga. But I know that there’s no guarantee that I’ll get there after this life. So what I’m probably doing is creating more karma for me to come back here next life. I just pray that in my next life I may be born in a pious brahmana family that is devoted to Lords Nityananda and Gauranga and where I can learn to be a true Vaishnava. I feel like this life has been somewhat a raw deal, but I guess I am glad that I have the holy names. I just wish I was in an environment that was more conducive to Gauranga Krishna consciousness...


Please forgive me for complaining so much. This is just how I am really feeling and I want to be honest. I really wish that I could be a “superdevotee” and do everything right. That’s kind of how my whole life has been.


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