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Title: Some Thoughts

User: neilsf    Date: 2006-07-21 11:25:35


Well, I didn't get up early today, but I was able to chant ten rounds of the Nityanada and Gauranga mantrarajas. I should also have no trouble completing my four rounds of Hare Krishna as well.


I'm feeling somewhat frustrated with myself because I always seem to be a beginner. I first encountered Hare Krishna when I was ten years old. I came across Shrila Prabhupada's Krishna Book in the library and read it and started chanting Hare Krishna then. I didn't stick with it. I got interested in other forms of Vedic Dharma and spent time with that.


Basically for the past 20 years, I've spent my time taking up one religion after another and changing frequently. Because of that I always feel that I am a beginner.


I really wish I could get up early, perform Deity worship to Gaura Nitai, chant 16 rounds and really be a "true" devotee. I really want a devotee name and to feel that I'm "really" a devotee.


I guess I am just basing my feelings on external things. What I really want is a relationship with Nityananda and Gauranga and with Swami Gaurangapada. I want to surrender my wants and needs to their will. I trust that when I am ready to recieve Hari Nama Dhiksha, it will happen. I just feel that I want some sort of external validation. It shouldn't be that difficult to chant 16 rounds.


I'll just keep trying


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