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User: Igor Date: 2006-10-18 12:23:21
Now is 22.55 and I just come beck from my work. In last several days I had so many obligations that had taken my time, but also inspire me to think about desires and reality.
It seems that there is great gap between desires and reality (in my case that is sure), and sometimes it is hard to accept that fact.
Desire number one – develop love for Lord. Yes, I can say that even theoretically I have that desire, but in reality how far I am from that! Not even slice of attachment to Holy Names, to this sublime process. So many problems are there – physical, mental, social, economic problems and I am constantly engaged in solving such problems. Oh,I must work because we need money, then work after-hours because payment on regular job is very low. Today I had severe headaches because of extortion and my eye problems. That was great problem for me. I could not concentrate. I realized, that I am not even on first, neophyte level of spirituality, otherwise that will not disturb my determination and service. Sarira avidya jal - This body is network of ignorance.
I would like to act on some higher level, but I must act according to my capacity. I can not tolerate hunger, simply my body collapses and I can not function regular if I do not take enough prasadam (Just thinking how transcendental is Swami Gaurangapada for not taking grains for two years!) that is impossible mission for me. Sleep is coming and I am remembering how Rupa and Sanatana were so transcendental that they hardly ever slept! And in my case if I do not sleep enough I simply collapse, and become totally disturbed. Is there any hope to overcome such hindrances?
Actually I realized that we (devotees from west) are greatly handicapped in terms of austerity because we grow up in complete opposite civilization – TV, radio, free association, sense enjoyment. We are not trained to accept austerity. Evan rising up early in the morning is very great problem for us. In India there are so many auspicious habits that are part of everyday life and they are natural for people and devotees. Here for example is natural that workers start to work at 08.00 AM or even 09.00 AM. My working colleague have his working schedule like this – when working in morning he wake up in 7.30, go to work, come beck at home at 2.30 PM, eat, sleep till 6.PM, watch TV, then he goes to town in night clubs till 3.AM and so on. And when he is working on afternoon he is sleeping till 1 PM! And that is normal here!
And what to speak about controlling senses and mind! It is hard to develop true detachment of mind and senses, if person grow up in such civilization that emphases mental and sensual enjoyment to be highest goal of life. Sometimes it is like to me like mission impossible to change this civilization.
But it is said that even impossible can become possible by mercy of Shri Guru and Shri Gauranga. Therefore even this sensual enjoying civilization can be changed if person accept regular chanting of Nityananda Gauranga and Hare Krishna.
I learned one more thing during several past years. I learned to act on level that I am in this moment, to accept all my limitations and at the same moment have goal in front of me. I would like that I can chant, think, speak about Nitai Gaura 24 hours a day, not feeling hunger, sleep, mind flickering, body pains etc.etc. But desire is one and reality is something another.
Now it is 23.14. Thinking about limitations and inability to fully absorb and practice spiritual life, I am wishing you all good night and sweet Nitai Gaura dreams…
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