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Title: I Will Persevere!!!

User: neilsf    Date: 2006-10-24 19:48:47


Nityananda! Gauranga! Hare Krishna!

All Glories to Shri Gurudeva Bhaktiratna Sadhu Swami Gaurangapada!

All Glories to the Guru Parampara!

All Glories to all the Vaishnavas!


I would first of all like to thank Bilva Mangal Das and Nava Gauranga Das for their helpful comments to my last blog entry. I am so thankful other devotees care enough to make helpful suggestions.


I've still been backing and forthing this weekend about religion. On Saturday, I did all my rounds, but I felt like I rushed through them. I really don't want to worry. I'm thankful that I was able to chant at all...


I've been trying to study the Bhagavad Gita a bit, but have been having a difficult time understanding it. On Sunday, I thought that I would try reading the verses of Bhaktivedanta Prabhupada's translation all the way through without reading the commentary. I actually did this the previous Sunday, too. Well, this week, I made it through the fourteenth chapter and then I quit, telling myself that it was too much for me to take in.


Feeling a bit frustrated, I didn't do my chanting on Sunday. I also was going to go to a Govardhan Puja satsang at a private house program. I was feeling uncomfortable about going to the satsang, because I don't know anybody, so I told myself that it was too far away and too far of a walk from the train station and I didn't go.


Not chanting and not going to the satsang made me feel very doubtful. I kept telling myself that if I can't get myself to find any association with other devotees and if I can't keep chanting, I might as well quit Gauranga Krishna consciousness and go back to my previous spiritual practice.


I ended up going back to place of the previous spiritual practice last evening. I somewhat enjoyed it, so today I told myself that I'm just going to try that again. Then I felt really torn because I feel strongly reluctant to give up chanting Nityananda, Gauranga and Hare Krishna. Part of me says that the old practice is much more culturally relevant for me, but no matter how much I go to there, I always feel like an outsider.


I really appreciate Gaudiya Vaishnavism. I really love the vision of Divine Navadwipa and Divine Vrindavan. I spend much of my time hating the fact that I'm in this material world. I chant because I really aspire to be taken to Divine Navadwip. I'm sure that this is chanting for sense gratification because I really want to be in Divine Navadwip because it would make me happy.


At this point, I just think that I should stay with Gauranga Krishna Consciousness and try my best to chant and find association. I will keep reading the Bhagavad Gita and the Shri Chaitanya Bhagavata. I will try to stay positive about my life and realize all the blessings I have.


I'm always expecting something big from God. I tell myself how unsatisfied with life I am, but if I look at things rationally, I really have a good life and don't have anything at all to be unhappy about. At work, I feel incapable of doing anything, but I feel if I can just prove that I can stay with chanting and eventually get to the point where I can chant 16 rounds, then I will feel that I can accomplish something.


Pranams and Dandavats to Swami Gaurangapada and all the Vaishnavas




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