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Chapter 13—Eagerness to see Lord Gaurachandra
O my dear lord gauranga! I am to be deprived of the association of Your lotus feet, because I wished to go to Shri Vrndavana-dhama. It suddenly came to my mind that I want to see Your pastimes there. I do not know why I was overcome and goaded on by such a desire, but now I am regretting it. I feel like putting an end to my life. I cannot continue to live without seeing You. I do not know what I should do presently.
Those lovely, reddish lotus feet of Lord Gauranga are my most treasured object. Alas! I am so foolish I left them behind me in Puri. Now I cannot see them as they tenderly leave their impression on the sands of Purusottama-ksetra. I do not know the reason for my coming here; it is only my restless mind that must fly about like a loose bird. I am losing my head in this confusion.
My feet drag me away from Him although my mind refuses to follow. My stubborn nature goads me on; oh! the whimsical ways of love, they turn me into a dancing doll. Completely confused, I feel like a lifeless man. Lord Gauranga's playful ways are incomprehensible to me, and they plunge me into an ocean of distress. That which I most desire remains beyond my reach. I do not know my own mind any more.
I want to relinquish my life for Lord Gauranga, yet death escapes me. I throw myself into the ocean wanting to drown, I choke, and splutter being profusely dunked in the salty ocean water. But the intense yearning to see the moon-like face of my beloved Lord, makes me quickly swim to the sandy beach. And when I search for Him, He is not there any more. My mind takes wings; swiftly, I run to the temple of Tota Gopinatha.
In the courtyard of Shri Gopinatha's temple I see the divine face of my Lord, and I fall down unconscious in a state of ecstasy. On regaining consciousness, I look around and find that I have been brought inside. It must have been Gadadhara Pandita who brought me in. I faintly hear my Lord Gauranga and Gadadhara Pandita discussing me. Right away, tears well up in my eyes, and I roll on the ground, losing composure.
I cannot bear even a moment's separation from the Lord, because my beloved Shri Gaurasundara always dances in the chambers of my heart. He does not allow me to end my life, and if I remain alive, then we constantly quarrel with each other. I don't know what can sustain my life.
Therefore, it is incomprehensible to me what intelligence prompted me to act in this way. Although I am aware of my own nature, yet I wanted to leave the association of the Lord's lotus feet and go to Vrndavana. This would have certainly dashed all my spiritual hopes for success in this lifetime and the next. I received permission to go to Vrndavana, and now if I do not fulfil His wishes, then I stand to commit a grave offense. On the other hand, I will surely die if I am unable to see the blooming, full-moon face of my beloved Lord Gauranga. I am thus tortured on the horns of a dilemma.
Whoever has been captivated by Lord Gauranga's love is in deep waters, a precarious situation where there is a tug-of-war between life and death. This is the woeful condition of all the followers of Gadadhara Pandita. Even now you can hear everyone whispering to each other about these facts.