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Chapter 5—Quarrelsome Jagai
The emotional upheavals caused by my intense love for the Lord dance ceaselessly like waves on the ocean of my mind. Every day I get into some quarrel and misunderstanding with Lord Gauranga, so I came to be known as Kundale Jagai: "the quarrelsome Jagai".
I went on a pilgrimage to Vraja Vrndavana, and spent some days staying with Shrila Sanatana Gosvami. There I also picked a fight with him. One day I saw the equipoised, self-realised soul, Sanatana Gosvami, wearing a red cloth usually worn by "devi-worshippers" wrapped around his head.
I immediately felt like smashing him with the rice pot lying in the corner, but when I saw Sanatana Gosvami's humble dealings, all my pugnaciousness vanished, and I threw myself to one corner in great shame. My beloved Lord Gaura knows everything about me and yet He sent me to Vrndavana, while He stayed far away and watched the fun.
It is good that my woes give Him pleasure. Let me suffer eternal tribulations, because His happiness brings me great joy. I weep day and night feeling pangs of separation from my Lord, and my Lord Gaura simply smiles, looking at my tear-streaked face. That sannyasi, Gaurachandra, is actually a cheater, yet I love His wonderful pastimes and His nectarean words. My Lord is now manifesting that same mood He previously manifested in Vraja, Vrndavana, yet understanding all this, I cannot fully enter into that mood.
Once I brought Him a pot of pure sandalwood oil, but in return He simply gave me cutting words; so out of insolence and frustration I broke that pot in front of Him. Angry and in a sulking mood, I remained fasting. But my wonderful Lord, using devious means, dissolved my ire. He made me cook wild-grown varieties of spinach for our meal, saying food prepared by an angry cook enhances the taste. This statement incensed me further, and He seemed more pleased by this. His joys are my only precious concern.
When Sanatana enquired from me as to what he should do, I advised him to go to Vrndavana. The Lord thought that it was foolish of me to try and advise Sanatana Gosvami. I am always amazed to see how child-like the Lord is. I fervently hold on to His lotus feet for shelter. Then when I desired to go to Vrndavana he refused me permission, giving various excuses, trying to deceive me. And when I resisted His order, He asked me to go to Navadvipa. Of course, I consider all this His causeless mercy on me.
My Lord now resides in Purusottama-ksetra, which is equivalent in spiritual status to the opulent Dvaraka. He lives away from His own abode on the pretext that He has received His mother's permission to stay there, yet He instructed me to go to Navadvipa, which is His actual home. In fact, the Lord sends those fortunate souls, who are recipients of His mercy, to His home — Navadvipa. As for me, coming back to Navadvipa was like returning home, just like a cowherd boy returning to Goloka Vrndavana.
In this way, I am executing my devotional service to the Lord day and night. It is the nature of all of Lord Gauranga's devotees to serve His lotus feet. The lotus feet of Shrila Gadadhara Pandita and Lord Gauranga are my only invaluable treasure. Shri Svarupa Damodara knows my inner mood